Healthy: Well, I still haven’t smoked a cigarette, nor have I been tempted to. But I haven’t put myself in the position to be tempted so far. Tomorrow night we’re going to be drinking with friends in a situation I normally would definitely have smoked in, and Thursday will probably be the ultimate test of my willpower this week, when I go to A’s house for drinks. She smokes and drinks at a rapid pace, and the two just go so well together. Must maintain visualization of limbs falling off, lungs turning to dust, keep it close to the surface and know that it is not a vague future possibility but is happening right now.
Diabetes management is still going well enough, though I haven’t made an appointment with the doctor yet… Neither diabetes doctor, nor eye doctor, nor dentist, nor gyno… All of whom I need to visit, none of whom I particularly want to see. I hate having to do tests I have no control over whether or not I can pass. The eye doctor and the dentist are the worst of the two. Then gyno. Then diabedoc. If I get an appointment with the diabetes consultant, however, she can refer me to a new eye doctor, and potentially also a dentist. The gyno referral I’ll get from friends, I guess. Wondering if something is wrong with you is scary, but finding out for sure one way or the other is terrifying.
Fit: Did Sweat with Kayla Wk 1 Legs yesterday and despite the fact that I went from Wk 12 Abs back to Wk 1 Legs, it was hard and it hurt and ouch my butt. Tried to challenge myself with the number of reps, though, and to pay attention to form. It is not easy – nor should it be – but I definitely feel stronger than I did the first time around, so that is encouraging. Not dying after three burpees was a nice feeling. Think I might take a break today as have just gotten my period and am feeling much more inclined to go to some proofreading in the park than to do resistance training in my cool, dark apartment, but might also pop by the gym for some LISS later, as listening to music and working up a sweat also sounds good right now.
Happy: Ran into two of R’s friends at Ducks (Chappy + L) after teaching G this morning. They reminded me that there are more people in the world than it would seem during the summer time. Everyone will come home soon, and that’s when the friend-making, relationship-nurturing, fun-having, belly-laughing will recommence, and I will stop being so damn lonely. Things between R and I are wonderful though. Don’t know how I got so lucky with him, but am convinced that it was a little bit about being in the right place at the right time, because even though I am totally in love with him, I think that if I had realized how good for me he would turn out to be, I might not have had the sense to start dating him in 2012.
I spoke to A for quite a while yesterday, for the first time since I was home in November, other than Snapchat and What’s App. She is not doing well, but the fact that she reached out gave me some hope for her. It is the first time that she has ever gotten in touch when she wasn’t well– normally she goes radio silent when things are bad, but yesterday she called to debrief. I want to give her some of my light: I want her to see that she is a diamond, not dust, and that no matter what anybody else does or says, that diamond stays the same.
The thing that stuck out for me from our conversation was her feeling that she is a bad person, or not worthy of being loved, being treated well. I told her that she just needs to believe that she is a good person, and then change the way that she acts to fit with that belief. It’s so much easier said than done though, I know. Am hoping to stay in close touch with her for the next little while. This project is about me getting my shit together; I want to help A do the same as much as I can.
Rich: Taught G this morning and he has finally paid me, so at least I am a little bit richer than I was yesterday. Have proofreading work to do and must get in touch with all other students regarding lessons in the next couple of weeks.
In addition to my general to do list, which doesn’t really need to be described here, I’ve been thinking that I need to implement some kind of structured goal-setting/-tracking framework on this project, or else it will end up like my lessons seem to have done: constructed on the premise of being highly structured, but actually flying by the seat of pants. Whose pants? I don’t even know.
Today is August 23rd. That makes it exactly four months until Richard comes to Canada, four months minus one week until I fly there. My goal to make €5000 before then can be broken down into 25 €200 projects or 42 €120 projects (which seems to be the average amount that I charge for small projects). Thats a lot. I need to find high value projects of which there are a lot if I am going to make this happen.
Will update tomorrow with plans for the structurization of this project, hopefully, or at least a first attempt at it. Off to cross items off that list now.